Messy Confessions

I have been so irritated with our home lately -- less storage, smaller rooms, etc. It was just barely enough house when Jeff and I moved here three years ago. We downsized and still ended up having to rent a storage room for some family antiques. Then we added Bean and her collection of toys and tutus has us bursting at the seams. For decades, families had a lot more people in a lot less space and one bathroom behind the house, but they had a lot less STUFF.
So lately, I have been convinced that if I had more storage and larger rooms (not to mention a maid) that I would be a much better housekeeper. Seriously, how is that as a stay-at-home-mom with less house to maintain that I do a worse job of it than when I worked and had more house?

But then I made this list:

True confessions:

• I am the child of two "stackers". (My father's home office was a mound of paper and my mom's trick for getting ready for company is to dump it all in baskets or make neat piles.)
• I had few chores as a child. (My father had so many chores on the farm when he was a kid that he was way too easy on what my brother and I were required to do around the house.)
• I hate to pick up. (When I was about 11, my mom went back to work and we had a maid once a week and I recall having to do a mass pick up to get ready for the maid. That seemed so weird -- cleaning up for the maid.)
• I was a very messy kid. (I still have a book my mom bought me called The Big Clean-Up to encourage me to keep my room clean. It didn't work.)
• I have been known to step over something 10 times before I will bend over and pick it up.
• At home, I am lucky if I can find my keys much less my favorite book or that watch I am still missing.
• My creative brain can be highly tolerant of chaos and rejects routine.
• I have trouble putting something back in the same place twice, but in jobs I am able to be very organized unless things get really stressful at which point my desk disappears.
• I sleep in a nest of 3-4 pillows.
• I appreciate my family heirlooms.
• I love to see photos of my friends and family on my table.
• I enjoy my art and collectibles.
• I tend to keep quirky things that bring back memories.
• I save pieces of ribbons, buttons, and cool paper to use in art projects.
• I find it difficult to throw away good cardboard, an old spiral, or the piece that I am not sure what it is but I may need it later.
• I always end up needing the one thing I finally sold, gave away, or threw out.
• I have boxes of clothes from when I was a baby that Jilly has gotten to wear and I love that.
• I have my mom's prom dress.
• I have my prom shoes.
• Trust me, my husband has just as much stuff!
  

Oops. There it is. The problem isn't the house. In college, my freshman roommate told me during a fight over decorating our room that I lived in a lot of space. Funny how that stuck with me, but as you can tell from the list above, it is true.

I found this entry in an old journal blog which reminds me why we bought the size home we have and what our goal was for living here. It is good to remember this when I have spent the last few days lamenting the wisdom our choice:

July, 2008: Jeff and I came to an agreement tonight that we wanted to make some changes in our life that buying a larger, more expensive home wouldn’t help us do. Sure, we can afford a house on the lake, but do we want to be slaves to a house payment and then never home to enjoy it? We’d like a little slower pace of life and time to enjoy it. If we buy a little away from the lake, but close enough to get there, we may actually be able to afford for me to stay home and start our family. At age 40, that dream is getting a little more time-sensitive, so if we are going to make this type of life change, the time is now.

And it was the right choice. We adopted Jillian in 2010. I am home with her. I am grateful for both of those things. My mantra needs to be "We have enough." Because we do. In fact, we have more than we need. I need to accept what I have as a gift and figure out a way to be happy with where I am planted.

Which leaves me addressing the stuff. How do we make a life for ourselves in the present if we are bogged down by the stuff of our past and overwhelmed by the stuff gathering as part of our future? I have friends that tell me just to get rid it. Take a photo of what you love and then the item is not taking up space. I have been giving away and selling stuff, but it is hard to let go (see above confessions) when I don't just want to see the item but I want to feel the wood smoothed by many hands touching it, study the scratches and tooth marks on it, and be reminded of how I tripped and scratched the back of that prom shoe. But I am working on letting go of all that so I can make room for what is to come.

I don't really have a nice bow to wrap up this package of thoughts; in reality if I was making a bow I would have misplaced the ribbon, lost the scissors, and stepped on a Duplo block while looking, so I am ending here:

Depression is caused by living in the past.
Anxiety is caused by living in the future.
Happiness is caused by living in the present.

Guess it is time to clean house.