Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Taking Breaths

The past three years of having a toddler in my life has put me face to face with my mortality. I doubt too many moms in their 20s wonder if they will live long enough to see their daughter marry or if they will get to meet their grand kids, but at age 45 with a 3 year old, there are moments that the panic and sense of sadness about the possibility of not being there take my breath away. 

January 15, 2012 was one of those days.

I have had a series of health issues and diagnosis over the past 20 years including PCOS, Fibromyalgia, Diabetes, and Hypothyroidism. However,  my blood pressure and heart rate remained healthy so when I couldn't quit yawning, felt my body going numb, my speech slowing, and my focus getting fuzzy, I wanted to believe it was anything but a stroke.  The ER doctor said otherwise. I was having a mini-stroke called a TIA (transient ischemic attack) -- likely in reaction to some new hormone medication. Luckily, it was minor and I had no permanent damage, but it was definitely the final wake up call I needed to throw my hands up and say "uncle" to losing weight on my own and doing everything within my power to be here for my Bean as long as possible. 

It has been 11 months since I was shaken to my core and made the choice to have Gastric Sleeve surgery and am currently down 50 pounds. Not only do I feel much more confident that I will be here for Bean, I also know that if for some reason I am not here, that her memory of me will not be the tired, overweight Mom sitting on the couch in pain and watching her child from the sidelines. It will be of the new Mom I have become this year. The mom that slides down the tall tower slide at the park; the mom that chases her down the street when she bolts away; the mom that agrees to carry her even though she is too big to be carried; the mom that lets her make messes with paint and glitter, and play dough because she isn't too tired to clean it all up.  A Mom that lives by this quote: "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; But by the moments that take our breath away…."